– Who Composed Dvei Haser?
– Is it ‘Chami Mori’, or ‘Mori Chami’?
– Why is Hagafen Sometimes the First and Sometimes the Last Beracha?
Rabbi Moshe Taub
September, 2023
I. Chami Mori, or, Mori Chami?
Since I am a kohen, I was asked to lead bentching at a recent simchah on my wife’s side of the family. My father-in-law was sitting to my left, so I began by saying, “B’reshus rabbanan v’rabbosai v’chami mori (my father-in-law and rebbi)…”
After bentching, my brother-in-law’s brother, Reb Moshe Wilhelm, a talmid chacham and reknowned mechanech in Lakewood, said to me, “The minhag is to mention your shver differently than the way you did it. ‘Chami mori’ sounds too much like chamor [donkey], so the minhag is to reverse it and say, ‘Mori chami.’”
What do I know? Maybe I had lived in out-of-town communities for too long and never heard of this practice, or perhaps I just hadn’t paid enough attention.
But was his assertion true? Indeed, for one’s father, one says “avi mori”—my father, my rebbi—the same order that I had used for my father-in-law.
When I arrived home, I did a little digging. I found that in the Rishonim, both orders were used; sometimes they called a father-in-law “mori chami” and sometimes “chami mori.” I found variations for fathers, too. Some gave the honorific “avi mori,” while others said “mori avi” (see shu”t Tashbeitz 2:129 and shu”t Maharam Shick, Orach Chaim, hosafah 5; cf. Daas Zekeinim, Bereishis 37:15, inter alia).
Interestingly, I once saw a nice explanation for why the order for a father is reversed for a father-in-law—an idea that has nothing to do with a donkey!
In the natural order of events, one’s father is his father first and only later becomes his rebbi. But a father-in-law is first a rebbi—either literally or through learning about him and his family—and only later becomes a father-in-law, which is why the order is reversed.
Truthfully, it is always nerve-racking to perform a ritual aloud because you never know when you may be walking into a minefield.
I often repeat the story of an individual who approached Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky, zt”l, at the Viennese table at a wedding and asked the rosh yeshivah what brachah he should make on a complex dessert that contained many ingredients; he was also concerned about whether it was considered pas haba b’kisnin. Rav Yaakov is purported to have smiled and answered, “Which brachah? A quiet one!”
But there are times when we can’t be quiet, when we need to make a public choice. This certainly comes up at sheva brachos, as we shall see.
II. Hagefen: First or Last Beracha of Sheva Berachos?
I have been at many sheva brachos where the person who is given the honor of reciting the first brachah makes a Hagefen. This is, of course, an error, since we end with that brachah. (If this mistake occurs, the halachah is that we simply continue from there, with no Hagefen at the end.)
But who can blame a person for this error? Under the chuppah, sheva brachos does open with Hagefen, and that is what people have in mind (see Rosh on Pesachim, ch. 10:8, and Shulchan Aruch, Even Ha’ezer 62:9).
Why do we start shevah brachos under the chuppah with Hagefen but close with this brachah the rest of the week?
Many cite an obvious reason for this switch (see the Mordechai on Pesachim ad loc, in the name of Rav Nissim Gaon, and the Magen Avraham, siman 190:1). During the year, we often bentch over a cup of wine even when there is no simchah (see Shulchan Aruch, siman 182 at length).
Therefore, if the Hagefen at shevah brachos is made immediately following bentching, it would not be apparent that it is being recited for the chasan and kallah. This concern doesn’t exist at a chuppah, where bentching is not recited.
It should be pointed out that although it is standard practice to make the Hagefen at the end during the week of sheva brachos, some do have the custom of reciting it at the beginning (see, e.g., Shulchan Hatahor 190).
I once heard another explanation al pi drush (good material for a speech if needed). Chazal state that a marriage is invei hagefen b’invei hagefen (Pesachim, 49b). Why do they compare it to grapevines?
We know that all matter in the physical world weakens with age. This is known as the second law of thermodynamics, the law of entropy.
But it is not the case with grapes.
If grapes are not taken care of properly, they turn into vinegar. But if they are processed in a special way, they will turn into wine—which is unique in that it improves with age!
Under the chuppah, two grapevines— two families—come together. Once the couple begin their life together, the wine begins to age, becoming more precious. In order to symbolize this, we “age” the wine brachah as well, leaving the Hagefen until the end.
III. The To’ameha Challenge
In preparing for Shabbos sheva brachos, in addition to all the seudos, we had to arrange a catered to’ameha in our home on Erev Shabbos. When many people are coming in from out of town, the minhag is to have hot food available for them before they change for shul on Erev Shabbos.
I was reluctant to do this, however, because eating on Erev Shabbos is a serious issue, and I was concerned that people would find fault with it (of course, I also wanted to save some money).
The Shulchan Aruch rules (249:2) that we must limit what we eat on Friday as we go into Shabbos. However, I then thought that perhaps this is more applicable to those who are traveling with children, who may be hungry and cranky after a long trip. If that’s the case, then even if a parent sampled some of the food, there would be a basis for relying on the practice.
After more thought, I came up with what I thought was a brilliant idea—turning the to’ameha into a sheva brachos!
How would this help? We have all heard of a seudas mitzvah. But have you ever wondered what halachic difference it makes whether a meal is a mitzvah or not? The truth is that it does make a difference, and one ramification is that such a meal may be allowed even on Erev Shabbos (see Shulchan Aruch Harav 249:8; cf. Ketzos Hashulchan 69:7).
But I ran into two issues with this scheme. For one thing, how would we be sure that everyone would arrive at the same time? And secondly, could we really inconvenience the chasan and kallah before Shabbos, as well as the many people who would need to come in and leave quickly?
On top of that, I remembered that not all poskim agree that a sheva brachos is considered a seudas mitzvah (see Pri Megadim 444:9 and 38:7).
I approached my wife with all of my findings. She gave me a funny look and said, “Um…Erev Shabbos is Asarah B’Teves.”
IV. The History of ‘Dvei Haser‘
One Erev Shabbos I was walking to my shul in Buffalo when I saw a teenage boy on the steps strumming on his guitar.
“Can I help you?” I asked.
He explained that although he was not religious, he would be attending an NCSY kiruv Shabbaton and had been told to wait here to be picked up.
He then shared a frustration. “The rabbi there claims I can’t play my guitar on Shabbat. This is very upsetting—I would have hoped that Judaism appreciated music. Instead, it stifles it!”
I asked him to wait a minute, and I ran inside and grabbed a Tanach. Then I returned and sat down next to him.
“Did you have a bar mitzvah where you read from the Torah?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Okay, so let’s look inside this volume, which contains all of our holy writings.”
Leafing through the pages, I asked him if he noticed that all of the text in every book of Tanach had something in common.
“Well, it’s all in Hebrew,” he replied.
“True. But look more closely,” I challenged him.
It took him a moment, but then he answered, “Oh, the trop!”
“Exactly,” I said. “Far from not appreciating music and song, Yiddishkeit places musical notes under every single letter of the Tanach! In fact, the reason we do not play music or do certain other music-related acts on Shabbat is because of this very passion for song. We fear that the excitement may cause a person to get so lost in melody that he may come to transgress one of the Shabbat prohibitions.
“Our history is full of music, from King David’s harp awakening him at midnight each night to the song our people sang at the Yam Suf. And there are many other songs as well. Regarding Shabbos, we proudly declare, ‘Mizmor shir l’yom haShabbos.’ Although we do not use musical accompaniment on Shabbos, song and melody are Shabbos essentials.”
The power of music—and its ability to sway a person in a good or bad direction—may help us unravel the mysterious minhag of Dvei Haser, recited at the beginning of sheva brachos in many communities.
This piyut was composed by Rav Donesh Halevi ben Berat (d. 990). Rav Donesh was a talmid of Rav Saadia Gaon and is often cited. Like many paytanim, he was also an expert grammarian and an authority in Lashon Hakodesh.
In fact, his disputes with Rav Menechem ben Saruk (often quoted by Rashi) over Hebrew grammar remain unsettled today. Rashi’s grandson, Rabbeinu Tam (d. 1171), wrote a treatise defending Rav Menachem against in these debates, while Rav Yosef Kimchi (d. 1170) defended Rav Donesh. {Rav Donesh is quoted by Rashi to Devarim 28:28 and other places}
One can find the signature “Donesh” in the first four stanzas of “Dror Yikra,” the popular Shabbos zemer that he composed.
Perhaps his most often recited composition is Dvei Haser, in which his initials are encoded as well (Shulchan Ha’ezer 9:4).
Many explanations are offered for the reason he composed this piyut and why it is placed before the zimun during the week of sheva brachos.
The Mateh Moshe suggests an interesting approach. It is based on a ban on certain types of music that was instituted by Chazal while we are in galus because of our year-round mourning for the Churban. This halachah is in the Shulchan Aruch (siman 560:3).
The Rema and others point out, however, that not all music is considered equal, and not at all times. Indeed, many follow a lenient approach in regard to music (cf. Igros Moshe Orach Chaim 1:166, 2:137, 3:87; shu”t Yechaveh Daas 1:45). The Meiri explains (Gittin 7a) that the ban was enacted not only because of the Churban but because of the loss of the central focus that the Beis Hamikdash provided. Without a Sanhedrin and other crucial elements of our national base, Chazal feared that we would become lost—and that music might become a force to sway some people toward evil.
However, so long as one is singing or listening to songs of dveikus, he does not violate this injunction (see also shu”t Shevet HaLevi 6:69).
The Mateh Yehudah explains that since music is played at weddings and during the week of sheva brachos, people might come to do the same during other more mundane celebratory events. Therefore, we begin bentching with a reminder of the Churban and the other securities we have lost in galus so that we do not take the unique gift of music outside the realm of divrei mitzvah (see also Taamei Haminhagim #986).
This explanation fits nicely with the opening of Dvei Haser: “Remove pain and also wrath, and then the mute will revel in song…”
Other suggestions for the purpose of this piyut abound.
The sixteenth-century Mizbei’ach Hazahav suggests that Dvei Haser is simply a brachah for the new couple that they should not know any pain. This fits nicely with the words “Sh’ei birchas bnei Yeshurun”; Yeshurun refers to Aharon, who loved and pursued peace, and it advises the couple to follow the path of shalom.
The plea to “remove distress” also blends well with the theory of some that Rav Donesh initially composed these words when his daughter suddenly passed away before her marriage to the son of Rav Nissim Gaon.
Others suggest that this is a tefillah for peace everywhere. It is unrelated to the music that is played, or even to the chasan and kallah. Rather, we wish to take advantage of the simchah, which is an eis ratzon, by offering extra bakashos (see Kitzur Nachalas Shivah, 447, note 745 at length).
Still others suggest that Dvei Haser was never intended for sheva brachos at all. Rather, it was supposed to be a stanza at the end of “Dror Yikra”!
Others posit that these lines were written as a piyut for Birchas Kohanim (Tarbitz, 1970, p. 38, “chikrei piyut v’shirah”; see also the article “Pirkei Donesh” by Dr. Ezra Fleischer). This would also explain the mention of birchas Aharon at the end.
Some of those who argue that the entire piyut was created especially for bentching are of the opinion that the last line should only be recited if there are kohanim in the room. Otherwise, it should be replaced with the words “bnei Yeshurun”!
If this piyut was indeed composed for the chasan and kallah, why is it said at the beginning of bentching and not with the sheva brachos?
There are some who do place it after bentching (see Taz, Yoreh Dei’ah 62:7), but that is not the custom.
But for this reason (among others), there are those who do not recite this piyut at a sheva brachos because it seems to be a hefsek, a break between mayim acharonim and bentching, when talking is generally not sanctioned.
Let’s conclude with Shabbos. At our recent Shabbos sheva brachos, Dvei Haser was recited at one of the meals—another example of a common public mishap that can take place during a simchah.
However, in this case, there was no need for shame! Many say that this piyut is recited on Shabbos as well. In fact, the Maharil writes, “I do not know where this mistake of the people comes from not to say it [on Shabbos]” (see ibid. #1008; this was also the view of Rav Moshe Feinstein; see Rav Felder, Ohalei Yeshurun).
Others urge us to omit the piyut on Shabbos (Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach et al.), either because it speaks of sadness or because we generally do not add extra tefillos and bakashos on Shabbos that are not a standard part of the siddur. (The weekday Shemoneh Esrei is not recited for a different reason, and indeed, the requests of Sim Shalom and Elokai Netzor remain.)
As you can see, the answers to the many sh’eilos that arise in regard to this beautiful piyut depend on its history and purpose.
It is amazing, as always, to discover the history of why we do and say the things we do and say! ●
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