PARTS 1 & 2
Part 1
A New Challenge
When I was in 8th grade in Eitz Chaim of Toronto, my rebbe was Rabbi Mordechai Yaffe, now rosh yeshiva of Mesivta Ateres Yaakov in Lawrence, NY.
One day he asked all of the class to take any one coin we had on us and place it on top of our hand. These were the days of my youth when I –and everyone-always carried coins for the soda machine, so finding coins for each student was not difficult.
We all placed either a penny or a nickel or a quarter on the top side of our hands.
“Raise your hand if you feel the coin on you”, he asked.
We all raised our (other!) hand.
He then said, “Ok, keep the coins where they are, and I will continue with the gemara Makkos”.
He then preceded to teach us gemara.
A few minutes later, he suddenly stopped wherever it was we happened to be doing in our learning and said, “Ok, raise your hand if you still feel the coin on you”.
Nobody raised their hand.
We were suddenly reminded that we had these coins resting on our hands that whole time. For, after the first minute or so we got used to it, and did not even feel them there anymore on our skin.
He then told us that this is a life lesson. To be honest I do not remember for sure what the lesson was –as there are many one can bring out from this (and if he is reading this, I apologize; although I am sure he is enough impressed that a student such as I was would recall something from that year!).
Perhaps what he was seeking to draw was the fact that after time we can all grow numb. This is true whether its wealth, or even, sometimes, tzar – nothing ever feels like it feels at first.
This is especially true when it comes to certain legacy issues that rabbanim are felt to bring up over and over again. At a certain point, we feel that it may be overkill, and one more drasha on this topic will undermined the cause.
One example of this may be the topic of technology. At least in the charedi and chasideshe world, the concerns surrounding this has been spoken of over and over. By this point the human am got the message –we hope.
Perhaps this is true.
But I wish to share something –in fact it behooves me to share something – that many parents may not be aware of. An additional concern that I never expected; one that I hope shocks some parents from their slumber.
Of late, young teenagers have been meeting with their rabbanim at numbers not seen before. Now, it is already odd for a teenager to ask to meet with their rav. But it is what is often the purpose behind this request that should give us all pause.
“Rabbi, I do not believe in Gd”.
We will not now discuss how one deals with such a crisis of faith. Rather, for our purposes, let’s discuss one of the reasons we have seen such an increase of such statements, and at such tender ages.
In the course of talking to these young men and women, rabbanim note their level of knowledge in certain scientific, historical and philosophical realms –although often quoted by these youngsters inaccurately.
“Where are you getting this information”, the rabbi will at some point ask.
Invariably, the response is, “YouTube” (or another free streaming service).
Imagine for a moment a parent –who believes that they monitor their child’s internet use. Let’s even postulate that they only allow its use for homework. Let’s further propose that in this home they even keep the computer in a public space (as they should!). So, the father comes home and sees his daughter with earphones on while watching a lecture online. He sees the ‘Cambridge’ emblem behind the speaker. “It’s a professor from a prestigious university!”, he says to himself, “Likely work for school”.
“I bet she is so bright that she needs to learn at the college level!”, he thinks as he moves on to other matters in his life.
But in this case, he assumed too much. His child is watching one of the many militants and well-spoken atheist who knocks and mocks toras chazal (the term “‘militant’ atheist” used to describe these fundamentalists and proselytizing non-believers is used by even the New York Times, as far back as 1929; all that has changed is our children’s’ quick access to their toxicity).
So unaware are we about the above that when talking about the dangers of the internet, this is the furthest concern from our minds!
We all had questions when we were young. But, back then, to further investigate them we would have to go the library. Frankly, many were simply too lazy to become an apikores!
No longer. Punch in the words ‘age of the universe’, or ‘dinosaurs and the Torah’ and your child will be introduced to thousands of innocent looking videos about these heavy topics taught by brilliant and confident teachers you do not know, who often have poisonous, cynical, and noxious views toward anything religious, spiritual or Divine. These videos will then link to other videos, taking your innocent ben or bas Torah down a rabbit-hole so easily, and so quickly that even Nimord would have never imagined possible.
When I hear an eleven or twelve-year-old speak of ‘organized religion’ or use other hot-button terms I become aware from where they have become indoctrinated.
Of course, there are other, more obvious concerns that arise from wonderful advances in technology, but this one has taken me off guard.
And its not the only new issue to which I was introduced of late.
A few weeks ago I was invited by Rabbi Marc Volk of the National Council of Young Israel to moderate a series of public discussion to take place in a number of frum communities of all stripes.
Most recently, in Hollywood and Bell Harbor, Florida, parents of the local day school were invited to take part in such a discussion.
We had arranged for a panel, made up by the local rabbi, the head of the local modern-orthodox day school, and a clinical phycologist so as to inform, educate and guide the parent body of these and other challenges of raising children today.
I was shocked, bewildered and educated by what many of these panelists said. Just when we thought we understood the concerns of technology, it turns out that we have only scratched the surface.
Of course, technology has led to many advancements in the class room. There is no question that there is a myriad of positives that it has brought and will continue to bring to the world. However, if we are able to say (Yoma 72a) that, lahavdil ad lanetzach, even the Torah can be a sam hachaim if used correctly, yet a sam hamuvess if, R’l, not, then it behooves to not turn a blind eye to such a dichotomy regaring lesser things, and the challenges we find ourselves in today.
Next week I will quote from these professionals –and others –about how to tackle these very new and threating issues.
This is a conversation we all need to have.
Part 2
Unknown Unknowns
Rebbetzin Meira Davis has served her community for four decades. The Young Israel of Hollywood/Ft. Lauderdale had fifty families when the Davis’s arrived; today they have six-hundred.
Although her husband is now retired, they still live in the community and their influence is still being replenished daily.
Like many rebbetzins in Young Israel shuls, she would give a series of shiurim to eleven and twelve year-old girls in preparation for their bas mitzvah.
She was once speaking to these girls about the importance of, and beauty in, Shabbos kodesh.
Looking to make the class interactive, she asked them, “Does anyone wish to share share what they enjoy –look the most forward to –when it comes to Shabbos?”
“The zemiros at my Shabbos table” said one.
“Being able to daven without worrying about school,” said another.
But it was what the third girl said that was most surprising. “What I enjoy the most about Shabbos is that my parents can’t use their phones. This means they can finally pay attention to me”
The rest of girls knowingly, and nervously, laughed in agreement.
I mentioned in last week’s column how I was asked to moderate a series of public discussions on the challenges of raising children in our dor yasom.
The latest was held in Florida.
Along with rebbetzin Davis –who shared the above story –the panel consisted of the new rav of the shul, Rabbi Weinstock, and the head of the local community day school, Rabbi Yoni Fein.
I have led three such panels in different cities thus far, and invariably, the discussion moves quickly to technology.
While my role as the moderator is perfunctory – simply to open with divrei torah and to frame the questions through the prism of hashkafa and mesorah – I have been absorbing a tremendous amount from the varied panelists.
At the above panel discussion, one of the michanchim responded to rebbetzin Davis’s above remarks by saying, “I once saw a father pushing his three-year old on the swing in the park. He would push the child, and in the few seconds before the swing would return back, quickly check his phone!”
What message are we sending (no pun intended!)?
As we pointed out last week, many tune out when they hear topics relating to ‘the dangers of technology’. Its ‘old hat’, ‘well known’ and –according to some, ‘overstated’.
However, being a new issue, there is a lot we still do not know, or are just now discovering. To quote former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, there are known unknowns -things we know we do not know. But there are in life also unknown unknowns – things we do not even know we do not know.
In the last column I shared one disquieting result of technology that few were aware of; and that was just the tip of the iceberg. Of course, there are positive uses for technology, this goes without saying, and is not the focus here.
Allow me to share some of the most striking points raised by these professionals:
- There have been many stories in papers of how kids these days have lost the one natural skill of real communication and interaction; of listening to an other and responding in kind, of reading social ques. One mechanech in a modern school told the story of a class trip to Washington, D.C. Sitting on the long bus ride, he watched as a group of kids sitting next to each other were looking down silently and typing endlessly into their phones. “Why don’t you guys talk to each other?” he suggested. “We ARE!” they responded!
- One phycologist on a panel shared his concerns with FOMO, a new term that stands for ‘Fear Of Missing Out’. Due to social sharing sites and texting photos, our children see a particular image of the world and the lives of others. This has weaponized envy. Children and teenagers do not yet have the maturity to understand that what they are seeing is a photo-shopped image of the the lives of others. “Let me give you an example” he continued. “I once watched as my neighbors left their house on their way to the chasunah of their eldest daughter. The mother said, ‘Lets all take a family picture together before we leave’. But the other children were not interested, and her husband was tense to get to the hall. The mother became inpatient and hurt. Bickering ensued, until everyone relented and took a quick photo, quickly smiling for the camera and then, just as quickly, they went back to their hurt feelings. Now imagine this mother texts this ‘family portrait. People will see this happy family –all made up –and on their way to their child’s wedding. ‘What a perfect family’ they may think. ‘Why can’t my family be like this one?’ some may question. Ahh, but they only got a window into a millisecond of their lives! But that millisecond, and the thousands of other milliseconds from people’s lives, have severely and harmfully distorted our children’s’ view of the world! It has been disastrous for shalom bayis”
- One menahel expressed another missed concern. He explained how kids who are given more liberal access to technology are more challenged by teffila. “We are all confronted when it comes to having kavanah. But a child who is trained in ‘swiping’ and in quick ‘page views’ can hardly recover from this mindset. Their ability to shut out the world and focus may be something they suffer with for the rest of their lives”
- In one city, a mechanech pointed out (in a school where most teenagers had smart phones) that in past generations a parent could quickly discern if something was bothering their child (e.g. is they stopped bringing a certain friend over). Now, because their life is online and their face is so often in front of a device, these parents have little indication of their inner pain”
We have to consistently educate ourselves in these matters. Parents cannot let their children be their educators when it comes to this new world we live in.
The navi famously teaches,“That he may turn the heart of the fathers back through the children, and the heart of the children back through their fathers-lest I come and smite the earth with utter destruction” (Malachi 3:24)
Malachi is foretelling not one, but two important messages that will be happen congruently.
First, yes, that children will return, and this often will awaken their parents and other older generations – “That he may turn the heart of the fathers back through the children…”
During what was coined ‘The baal teshuvah Movement’ of the 50’s and 60’s through the 80’s and 90’s the first half of this pasuk was referenced and quoted to the point of ubiquity. And, it does not only refer to classic baalei teshuvah either. Rather that this same generation would see an explosion in the level of Torah learning across the globe. No longer were most people simply frum, rather we became daf yomi yidden, kovea ittim l’Torah lawyers and doctors; we were all returning to the higher ideal of our past.
However, and as chazal warned, we must avoid quoting just slices or segments of pesukim (Megillah 22a); for without a full context from an entire pasuk critical points may be missed.
In this case, the second half of the navi’s message – . “…and the heart of the children back through their fathers…” –seems to teach us that once returned to yiddeshkeit, we mustn’t allow the next generation -our children -allowance to do what the preceding generation needed to do before them – continuing the inimitable idea of children teaching parents. Rather, the children must never again be the educators.
The dangers if we fail in heeding this warning is made clear by this pasuk’s conclusion, “…-lest I come and smite the earth with utter destruction”.
This is a prescient and revelatory message. For this, the generation after, is a generation where the temptation of children educating their parents is indeed remarkably and frighteningly tempting.
Things are changing so rapidly that parents are left largely in the dark, relying on the schooling of their young children to guide them on what they should be concerned with.
This is an untenable situation.
Newton’s third law of physics teaches that “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.
Like the olam hagashmi, so too the olam haruchni. The issue of technology is here to stay. Its results-both positive and negative-are just now being learned. One thing is for certain, this is not a one-off; we must constantly update ourselves on the newest and latest ‘reactions’ being discovered, so that we can fulfill our greatest mission as parents: protecting those who can’t protect themselves.
Leave a Reply