Understanding Yartzeit Customs: A Deep Dive

Tikkun? Candle? Aliyos? The Shabbos Before? Yartzeit Questions, Answers and Conundrums

November, 2021

      My eldest daughter was named for my mother a’h. This was an easy choice, as she was born on the third day of shiva. That daughter is now back from seminary and entering shiduchim; it’s hard to believe how fast time has flown.

     My mother was the consummate rebbitzen -having fed thousands and thousands, as well taught many (including innumerable kallos)-and was taken young.

     As this is the week of her yartzeit, it is a good opportunity to discuss some interesting yartzeit issues, relating to rabbanus, hashkafos and interesting shailos.

    This week we will focus on some of the fascinating minhagim we tend to associate with yartzeit.

1.  Birthday or Day of Death?

      A member once asked me, “If we wish to celebrate and remember a life lived and deeds accomplished, would it not be more apropos to accomplish that task by using their date of arrival into this fleeting world, as opposed to their departure from it?”

     This question was posed by, among others, Rav Chaim Friedlander (Sifsei Chaim, moadim, vol. 2, p. 44).

     He explains that when a person is first born he is an empty vessel. His bechira may bring him to choose good, or, R’l, bad. It is only now, when they are niftar, when we know for certain who they became. More, we are commemorating the day that the niftar himself discovered who he was -when they received a full account and schar for a life well-lived.

   In other words, one’s yartzeit is not so much their ‘day of death’, but rather their true birthday, when they first entered the kingdom of their olam hanitzchi (their eternal world).

       Rav Moshe Heineman of Baltimore added to this idea by suggesting a novel insight. The word for mourner in lashon hakodosh is avel.     

      Perhaps that root was chosen so as to be shared with the word aval which means the ‘kushta d’milsa -essence of truth’, as in ‘…aval anachnu v’avosienu chatunu’. An avel too only now can testify as to the essence of who this person was and how they ended-up living their life (quoted in the astounding Kol Bo L’Yartzeit, vol. 1, p. 71 note 97, by Rav Aaron Levine zt’l).

1. Tikkun?

   As I have gotten older, I try not to eat anything heavy in the morning. But as a rav this presents a problem when after davening someone announces “I am making a tikkun in the beis midrash, on the back table, for my father…” There one finds cakes and cookies, as well as kol minei mashkeh. Well, it wouldn’t be right of I didn’t eat anything….

     What is the source for this practice? What is its purpose?

What makes this minhag even more peculiar is that, if anything, there is a concept of fasting on a yartzeit (Shulchan Aruch, Rema, yoreh deah 376:5 in the name of the Rivash), and although today many, if not most, are lenient, why would we publicly do the opposite?

   Indeed, Rav Yaakov Kamanetzky once commentated that in Europe he saw many who put out a tikkun on a yartzeit, yet only in America did he first see the baal yartzeit himself also be from those who ate from it (ibid. p. 287, note 197).

• The main source behind this custom comes from a sefer titled Chesed L’Avraham/Shaar HaEmunah. In its introduction to its commentary to the Mishnah it states: “…we can no longer (easily) fast on a yartzeit…we therefore fulfill the mitzvos of tzedakah and hachnasas orchim instead…by gathering a group of friends to have a joyous and unified food and drink, as a seudah among friends is also hachanasas orchim….achdus is what Hashem wishes for…such a meal has the status of a korban…because some may not be able to afford a lavish feast, nevertheless they simply put out some mezonos and whiskey…this is a great tzedakah -to give a friend some whiskey to drink [especially on an empty stomach -see Nachalas Shiva], as this works to strengthen their heart…”

    It is magnificent that we all make a simple a tikkun for the benefit of the poor; if only we would do the same for weddings.

• Rav Yaakov Yitzchak Weiss (d. 1989; shu’t Minchas Yitzchak 6:135) offers further rational for this minhag. He reminds us that a yartzeit is an ominous day, specifically for one’s mazal. Therefore, having friends wish him a l’chaim on this day is no small matter. He goes on to point out that the gematria for l’chaim is minhag! In that, by simply keeping a minhag -like the tikkun- one can nullify a negative din.
• There are many others who seek to explain the reasoning behind the tikkun. In the sefer Hadras Kodesh (78) he suggests that since the atonement for stealing when one doesn’t know from whom he stole is to do tzarchei rabbim, so as to protect the niftar from any unkown theft for which he now has no way of returning the children peform this pubic service.

     In fact, the previous Klausenberger rebbe posited that the tikkun helps the neshama more so than davening for the amud (first edition Piskei Teshuvos to Shabbos, p. 68)!

II. Flames and Forgetfulness

   Several years ago a member of my shul called in a state of panic. Through tears they explained that they misunderstood when the first yartzeit would be for her father. Now, four days later she realized her error. He chief concern was that she did not light a yartzeit licht.

     Perhaps the most famous minhag for a yartzeit is to light a candle, as indeed these types of candles bare the name ‘yartzeit candles’.

    Many may be surprised to learn that this minhag is not mentioned in the classic poskim, first mentioned by Rav Shlomo Luria (d. 1573; shu’t Mararshal # 46).

    The closest remez we find in the Shulchan Aruch is by hilchos yom kippur where the Rema tells us that we are to light a ‘ner neshama’ for departed parents before Yom Kippur (siman 610:4).

   However, although only a minhag, many seek sources from the times of chazal. For instance, the Mishnah makes reference to a flame for the departed (Berachos 8:1); the midrash teaches us that when Avraham stumbled upon maaros hamachpeilah he found Adam and Chava laying down ‘sleeping’ with neros upon their heads (Pirkei D’Rav Elazar, ch.36); some sefarim conjecture that the ner maarivi of the menorah in the beis hamikdosh that was always lit was for the departed neshamos of klal yisroel (see Darchei Chaim, and ibid. p. 303 note 219); most famously is the verse ‘ner hashem nishmas adam-the lamp of Hashem is the soul of man…’ (Misheli 20:27; see sefer Nachamu Ami p. 50 for more suggested sources for the yartzeit candle).

    Nevertheless, the sifrei kaballah speak about the great importance and power of the yartzeit candle, even expressing the nachas ruach (peaceful state) it can bring to the departed (see Maaver Yavak, ch. 15).

   So, what about this woman who forgot to light?

       Unlike the requirement of Shabbos candles – for which there may be a fine should one forget – a forgotten yartzeit candle would not carry such a penalty (however, see shu’t Minchas Arhon 2:66, p. 221 who indeed does suggest such a fine -to light two candles every year going forward!).

    If one remembers when it is still the yartzeit -even moments before sundown – then they should of course light right away.

    But in a case when only remembers the next day, Rav Chaim Kinievsky told Rav Ahron Levine zt’l that one may light the next night (this is not an ayin hara). However, both Rav Scheinberg zt’l and Rav Elyahsiv zt’l told Rav Levine that there is no purpose to light after the yartzeit has passed. Rather, one should simply give to tzedakah the amount of value of a candle and oil.

     Some sugesst that one should pay for candles/electric costs of the neros by the amud (shu’t Be’er Moshe 8:112).

    In fact, the Chasam Sofer writes that giving to tzedakah is always the better option for the neshama than lighting a candle (shu’t Chasam Sofer, 6:27, s.v ya’an).

    Although we do not follow the view of the Chasam Sofer, I told the woman that she will be able to follow his minhag just this year, and next year she can return to the Maharshal and others who say to light.

III. Source For Yartzeit?

  It is indeed fascinating that the development of the yearly yartzeit is without a clear marking point. While some point to tanach (see Shoftim 11:40; II Divrei Hayamim 32:33; II Shmuel 1:12), most dismiss these as being the source for our current minhag.

    Even the minhag of simply reciting kaddish on a yartzeit is without clear provenance. While some claim it was a takana from ashkanaz (Keser Shem Tov vol. one p. 101), others suggest that this minhag dates back to the days of Rav Hai Gaon (see Otzar HaGeonim, mashkin, p. 79).

    Some point to various gemaras that may allude to our minhag of a yearly yartzeit (see, e.g. nedarim 12a and shavuos 20a).

    Whatever its source -it is certainly a part of the fabric of yiddeshkeit after it became accepted practice, we must wonder what precise purpose it serves.

• Now, the average person may say, “It is simply a day to remember one’s parent”. While that reasoning may sound unsophisticated, it is in fact one of the many reasons given. The gemara teaches us that the mitzvah of kibbud av v’em applies even after a parent’s death (kiddushin 31b), and based on this the Torah Temima states, “There is no greater failure in proper kavod (for one’s parent) than forgetting them and their memory after their demise, for this demonstrates that (the child) lacks recognition as to their importance and feelings of love toward them…and since chazal state that forgetfulness begins after twelve months…we establish such a day every year (every twelve months)…” (Mekor Baruch 2:15; see also Sefer Chasidim #231).
• Some explain that the minhag of a yartzeit is due to the fact that each neshama is judged on the day they departed from this fleeting world to see if it should be granted an even higher position in shomayim. Their progeny therefore performs special acts, and certain mitzvos, in their zechus (see Panim Yaffos to parshas Bahaloschah).
• Others take an entirely different approach. Because the day one commemorates a parent’s yartzeit is a day of ‘reyah d’mazlei -bad mazal’(and because of this, one commemorating a yartzeit avoids travel etc.), the child spends the day in taanis and teffila in order to protect themselves. Indeed, the Chasam Sofer writes that such days should be considered as yimey teshuvah for the rest of one’s lives (shu’t Chasam Sofer, y’d 156).
• There are many more approaches, but there is one final one I wish to share, as it had a tremendous impact on those in my in shul with whom I shared it. Kol Bo L’Yartzeit brings from Rav Dovid Asaf (sefer Yalkut Das V’Din, p. 76) that the goal of and the particular sadness we feel on a yartzeit is due to the fact that we are victims of our own success. Every mitzvah we peform, any chesed we do and all the Torah that we learn is all due to those who raised us. These zechusim cause our parents to ascend even higher into heights of shomayim. Therefore, since it is on the yartzeit when they receive their new elevated status (see below for more details), each year we become more and more distant from them, as they ascend. We are mournful of the now even greater distance between us!

     IV. Rabbis First?

I have written in the past regarding what to do when a rav is one of a few who share a yartzeit, I see my job by such conflicts as being the mevatter; as this is the perfect opportunity to demonstrate to congregants how to act and avoid machlokos. Not all rabbanim agree. They cogently argue that the zechus for one’s parent’s neshama is not the child’s to be mevatter. However, my feeling is that if my precedent can help avoid many future fights this may be the bigger zechus. In fact, Rav Nosson Gestetner tz’l lists nineteen reasons to be mivatter the amud or kaddish if it may avoid machlokos (kuntros Mikdash Me’at, ch. 7).

    The other week was my first year I can recall where -as a rav -I had the amud and maftir all to myself -as the one member with whom I shared this yartzeit moved to eretz yisroel.

V. The Shabbos Before

    There is a minhag that the Shabbos before a yartzeit one should seek to get an aliyah (Shaarei Efraim 9:42) and daven for the amud (Rav Chaim Vital). What is the reason behind this custom?

• The sifrei kabala teach us that the main judgment for an aliyah for each neshama is done each year on the Shabbos before a yartzeit Therefore, we try to perform extra mitzvos on that day in their honor.
• One of the reasons given for our reading of the haftara each Shabbos is due to a historical gezeira against us disallowing public reading of the Torah. Because this represents a dark period, we end with berachos that include being ‘ne’eman’ in the ‘tzikkus’ of Hashem. This is reminiscent of the tziduk hadin said at a levaya.
• Since these berachos make specific mention to ben–dovid and the coming geulah, they are reminiscent of kaddish.

       In fact while not mentioning this specific practice, the Shulchan Aruch does mention the idea of an avel getting maftir throughout his first year (Rema, y’d, 376:4).

   Nevertheless, and while an important minhag, because its origin is not clear, such an aliyah is last in line. A chasan (on the Shabbos before and after his weeding), bar mitzvah, father of a newborn etc. may all take precedence.

    This minhag can also lead to rabbinic quandaries. Several members may have a yartzeit during a coming week. How does a shul choose who gets maftir, an aliyah or is given the amud? While the Magen Avraham (siman 324) says to make a gorel/lottery between them, there are poskim who offer a different calculus. For example, the Chofetz Chaim (Biur Halacha, siman 237) says that if one of the sons is a talmud chacham he should be the one to get it. In modern times, such a practice can lead to its own machlokos, as the reader can only imagine. How would explain my decision? “You sir are an am Haaretz, so sorry”? (see also mishneh to gittin 59a for a similar concern).

    Others suggest the opposite approach: since the talmud chacham will have others ways to uplift their parent’s neshama, let the simpleton have this zechus (Chida; see Shaarei Rachamim to Shaarei Efriam 2:5 and 9:19).

   Some suggest that a father’s yartzeit takes precedence over a mother’s. This is due to the fact that we have to assume a male -with more mitzvos, and for other reasons -may have more sins to atone for than a woman (Kol Bo L’Yartzeit, p.354 note 23)!

    However, in practice we always view to members as equals. As Dayan Felder from Toronto cogently points out, this is not about kavod but rather a mitzvah. Therefore, all are deemed equal (Yesodei Yeshurin vol. 2).