The Great Yizkar Escape: Explaining the Custom of Leaving Shul For Yizkar

April, 2019

As I slowly and tiredly made my way downstairs after the the maariv following acharon shel pesach, I was met by two officers from the NYPD.

“We are looking for the rabbi”, they said.

“I am the rabbi”.

“Sir, we just wanted you to let you know that we at the ‘107’ (precinct) are here for you and are watching over your temple”.

 I had no idea what they were talking about. We, frankly, had not yet heard about the events at the Chabad House in San Diego.

I offer this column as a zechus aliyah to Lori Kaye hy’d, a founding member of the three-decade-old congregation that was attacked, and as a zechus refuah shleima to their esteemed rav, Rav Yisroel Goldstein,and all those injured – physically and emotionally. May Hashem avenge their blood and tears!

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Over this past Pesach –like all years, and like all rabbanim –so many new and interesting shailos arose for which one cannot prepare for in advance.

One hotel at which I was giving shiurim over chol hamoed had a petting zoo one day. It was wonderful, especially for my youngest who is madly obsessed with animals. As they unloaded the sheep and the goats one could have believed that we were preparing our korbonos pesach!

Like many Pesach hotels that have this same activity, the guests need not pay for animal feed as they would have to do separately in a traditional petting zoo; it was included and free.

However, my wife –always wiser than I –had the sagacity to inquire from what this feed was made.

Let’s just say that most feed is made from a mix of ingredients that would make any frum Jew on Pes1ach panic.

The question now was two-fold: A- if one may give this to children with which to feed the animals (No!), and B- if any Pesach hotel that utilized such a system (of which there are many) is considered to have actually purchased this feed with the guests’ money (beyond the scope of this column). In any event, the owners of this hotel were, to their credit, quite concerned at this discovery. Plans are already in motion to fix this issue for next year, and to notify the many other hotels who may not yet be aware of this dilemma.

Another unique issue which came up is of far more morbid territory.

My shul suffered two tragedies this yom tov. First, a member of our shul had to bury her mother erev yom tov. This meant that her shiva would be but for a few hours, canceled-out by Pesach.

 But then, on chol hamoed, another heartbreak struck. The mother of someone who was spending yom tov in eretz yisroel with their family, passed away.

Right after the first days, when he heard the news, he booked a flight to Tuscon {name changed} to be able to take part in the kavod acharon (final respects). Arriving on chol hamoed, and not knowing too many people there, he had a fascinating shailah. On the one hand, he would not feel comfortable burying his mother without wearing a jacket; yet, on the other hand, being that for a parent one must tear outer-garments (like jackets), how could he go into yom tov with no suit? This was a fascinating shailah of what takes precedence, kavod yom tov or kavod meis/kibbud eim. Baruch Hashem, in the last moments he found someone to lend him a jacket (making tearing unnecessary) but the initial shailah was an interesting one, and a rarity!

But it was on yom tov when a shailah came up that intrigued me most; one that has likely already intrigued the reader as well.

Because so many in my shul were away in hotels etc. for all of Pesach, the hashkama minyan (early, 7:30am minyan) did not have a minyan remaining inside the beis midrash for yizkar. Now, although a minyan is not at all needed for yizkar (and indeed one can say it at home), some felt that it would be best if they kept the group to at least ten. So, as I was about to begin my baruch sh’emar in the main minyan, a young man learning in eretz yisroel and home for Pesach ran in to the main shul to ask me if it was truly assur for him to stay in for yizkar.

This was –indeed –a fascinating shailah.

The minhag has long been observed that those who baruch Hashem do not have deceased parents leave the shul before yizkar commences.

The truth is, this is an odd minhag. Since when, or, where else do people leave the shul when a teffilah does not apply to them?

Can we just imagine the scene, if, say, by birchas cholim on Shabbos all those who do not have names to add to the cholim list simply walk out!?

Why then do we do this by yizkar?

The first time the minhag of those who have never sat shiva to leave the shul before yizkar is mentioned is in the Shaarei Efraim (10:32): “…(last line) and we have the custom that those that have both their mother and father still alive that they leave the shul when yizkar is said on yom tov and yom kippur”.

But why? Would it not be appropriate to hear our parents mention the names of those long past? Would it not be a mussar relating to the fleetingness of life for all of us to witness the names of those we have never met but for others cared for deeply?

In 1973, a rav wrote to Rav Waldenberg arguing that perhaps no one should leave before yizkar. Rav Waldenberg responded (Tzitz Eliezar 12:39) that while there may be rare cases where such a change may be allowed –for instance where there is no room outside for everyone, or questions of tznius, etc. –generally it would be dangerous to ever question our minhagim.

He goes on to share several reasons that have been suggested for the minhag of leaving before yizkar.

Here, we will offer four reasons for this unique custom found in sefarim (see The Complte Yizkar Handbook, Rav Ahron Levine; for further study, see Tzitz Eliezar ibid.; shu’t Zecher Yehosef oh’c 225:3; Nitie Gavriel, aveilus, vol. 2 79:1; Pischei Shaarim on the Shaarie Efraim #35).

• Most people explain children leaving before yizkar as being due to ‘ayin harah’. However, what would be the ayin harah exactly? Don’t you need another’s negative feelings to give it power? Some explain that the concern here is based on a chazal. The gemara relates (yevamus 106a) how Abayay’senvy of Rav Papa of having parents that were still alive (as Abayay was orphaned from birth) caused Rav Papa’s parents to die. Perhaps, suggests the Pischei Shaarim, some who are forced to mention deceased family members will look in envy at those in the room who do not need to mention any names. We therefore suggest that they leave.
• Others suggest that they leave the shul out of fear that – trying to copy what the others are doing – they may mention their still-alive parents, thus ‘tempting fate’ by ‘opening their mouths to the Satan’ (Otzar Kol Minhagei Yeshurin 71:27; Sefer Lashon Chachamom #24)
• Similar to the above, because many children are named for deceased relatives, should they stay behind and be in the room when a name similar to theirs is mentioned, this too may be ‘tempting fate’ to the Satan.
• Rav Moshe Mordechai Epstein, rosh yeshiva of Slobadka offers one final reason for this minhag (Levush Mordechai, Bava Kama, pesichah), and it is a powerful one. First he opnes with another question. We know that we can’t say tachanun nor do hazkaras neshamos if there is a chasan in the room. This being the case, how can anyone say yizkar on yom tov? Rather, he explains, because for most people who have lost loved ones they are already thinking about these meisim on yom tov their crying and/or mentioning their names would be a relief for them, a practical oneg yom tov to do something for them! Such outpouring of inner feelings is allowed on yom tov as a way for release. However, for those that never suffered such loss, who do not have this pent-up grief, should they stay behind for yizkar their sadness would not be permissible on yom tov. More, their being there –and the need to protect their simchas yom tov – wouldm like a chasson, prevent the others from being allowed to have their relief of yizkar! This is why they must stand outside!

So many secrets are found in minhagei yisroel!

After the original publication of this article in Ami Magazine in 2019, I received a call from HaRav HaGaon Ochs, a senior rav and chaver Beis Din in Toronto. He shared from his rebbe, Rav Soloveichik, yet another explanation for this minhag of leaving shul by Yizkar. Regrettably, I can’t now recall what he shared. If anyone has this information, please comment below or share with me via email. Thank you!