& Other Wedding Imponderables
June, 2025
- Standing for the Kallah
Recently, I was by a chuppah when everyone began to stand. The man to my left turned his head to see who was coming, krechtzed, and said, “It’s not the chosson, rather its his great-grandparents walking down”.
This was an ironic reaction, as the Torah directs us to stand for such elderly people. Yet many feel this does not reach the levels of standing for a chosson and kallah! Such is the power minhag has on us.
Why indeed is there a minhag to stand for a choson and kalla?
When I’ve asked others this question, the typical response is that it is due to their status as a melech and malka.
But if this is the case, wouldn’t we stand for them at all moments and not just the chuppah?
Nevertheless, their kingship is indeed one of the reasons brought to explain why we greet the chosson with ‘baruch habah’ (Shulchan Ha’Ezer, 7:4).
As for our standing, the Zohar states that its best if the guests stand for the entire ceremony (Tikunei Zohar, tikkun 10), which some commentators indeed explain as being indeed due to their kingly status (HaAleph Lchah Shlomo, 115). As to our question on this – why then do we only stand for them now? – because the chosson and kalla are standing at this moment, it would be unseemly for our king and queen to stand while we sit (Knesses HaGedolah, 2:2).
However, this reasoning wouldn’t explain why we only stand as they are walking toward the chuppah. (Perhaps this is similar to how we must stand when the sefer Torah is in movement (while just ‘standing’ in the open aron may not require our standing -see shu”t Chasam Sofer and shu”t Igros Moshe)
It seems, then, that this current minhag has another basis (as brought in Knesses HaGedolah, siman 265): We are showing honor to those on their way to perform a mitzvah.
Far from a time to gawk, we are rather showing respect to those in the midst of acting toward the continuance of am yisroel.
More, the Shiblei Haleket brings that the shechina arrives to a chuppah, and based on this the sefer Tivasheh Yehudah suggests we stand by His arrival.
Interestingly, some explain the reason why then we don’t stand for the entire chuppah as being due to the chuppah having its own physical dimensions, thereby creating a separation between this ‘abode’ and everyone else. For this reason we only stand before the chosson or the kallah enter this ‘home’ (Shaarim Metzuyanim B’Halacha, 147:13, back notes).
- Round and Round
The chosson is the first to arrive at the chuppah. This is to make clear the kallah’s intent and desire to enter into this particle man’s domain (Igra D’Pirka, ois 67, based on Zohar to bereishis p. 49a; see Nachalas Shiva Hachodash, p. 281, note 465 for other explanations).
Once the kallah arrives under the chuppah, there is ancient minhag that she be directed around her chosson for a certain number of circles. This minhag is brought in many early sefarim, and may have its source in the Zohar (see ibid. p. 288, note 489).
I often tell kallos that women have always been the roshei yeshiva of the home, and indeed, many sefarim explain that this is the prruopse of this minhag -by surrounding the husband, she is acting her part as the wall, the chomah, for him, blocking out all surrounding pulls (see ad loc. where the Belzer rebbe expands on this.
Indeed, it was Sarah who begged that Yishmoel be thrown out, Rivkah who understood that it was Yaakov who was deserving of the berachos, Miriam who got Yocheved and Miriam back together, etc. This is not just to patronize, as it was Chava who caused Adam to sin. So that the kallah’s circling of her soon-to-be chosson is a gentle reminder that a women’s role in her marriage is one of the essential ingredients for the survival of our nation. It is, at times, the wife who pushes her husband to improve regarding minyan, to learn, to go to shiurim, to sing zemiros at the Shabbos table, etc.
If some lose count of the circles, know that you are not alone! It is brought that Rav Tzvi Hirsch M’Ziditzchuv would count each circle in the same careful and precise manner as we would the kohein gadol’s sprinkles during his yom kippur service –“Achas! Achas vachas…”!
Interestingly, while the number seven has much meaning -especially considering Yehoshua’s army’s seven circles around Yericho- some have the minhag that the kallah only encircles her chosson three times. Some suggest that this best represents marriage, as the verse ‘ki yikach ish ishah’ (the Torah source for marriage) is found three times (Siddur Derch Chaim), and to represent the three encampments of the midbar.
This was the minhag of the Chasam Sofer (Minhagim v’Halichos Chasam Sofer, p. 384).
- Beracha/ Mitzvah
We now arrived at the eirusin, the first half of marriage. One would think that this opens with the chosson’s declaration of ‘hares at’, and the kallah’s acceptance. Surprisingly, the wedding does not begin with this.
Rather, the mesader will recite a beracha on wine, then make the special birchas eirusin, and only then, after the beracha is recited, call over the witnesses to inspect the ring etc. and only then to instruct the chosson to say ‘harei at’ (see Shulchan Aruch, 34:1).
But if this is a beracha on the kiddushin we just observed and accepted upon them, then shouldn’t the chosson first effect marriage and the berachos said after?
Also, why doesn’t the chosson make these berachos himself?
Can he?
Why do we make two hagafens under the chuppa? Cant we have in mind for the second one? Isn’t this an unneeded beracha;what we call in halacha, beracha sh’eino tzricha?
Should we use the same kos –and its leftover wine – for both the eirusin and the nissuin?
What is the purpose of bedekin?
These and more, next week iy”H, as we delve into many more wedding questions many have had in their heads, yet that we can now delve into together.
Shul Chronicles 
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