Rules and Advice For A Shiva Visit

November, 2019

This was one of the oddest news corrections I have ever seen.

“Associated Press: FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — In a story Feb. 22 about the Florida school shooting, The Associated Press misquoted Broward County Sheriff Scott Israel in some versions of the story when he spoke about the families of the victims. He said, “I’ve been to their homes where they’re sitting shiva,” not “where they sit and shiver.”

Well, ‘six by one and have dozen by the other’- as the latter (sit and shiver) often describes the inner turmoil of the former (he who sits shiva).

Last week we shared some shiva stories, and expressed the gain each visitor can receive from any beis aveil.

We ended with these words: “It is hard to pay a shiva call, but if done right one will not just comfort the mourner, but will become inspired and indeed learn the beauty found in every life. We just have to make sure to be careful how we pay a shiva call –the important do’s and don’t’s -something we will discuss next week”

Several months ago a member of my shul lost a parent. Like always, our shul galvanized the troops and chesed committees to bring in aveilus chairs, visitor chairs, an arohn and sefer Torah– as well as plan and arrange meals for all the aveilim for the entire week and for the seudas haavrah.

When shiva was over, this mourner called me. While he certainly wanted to express his hakaras hatov to the community for all their help, his main purpose was something else entirely.

“Rabbi, you have to give a shiur, or something, on the halachos and etiquette of making a shiva call. A letter to the community, perhaps.”

He went on to share horror stories from his week of shiva; from the insensitive comments to the foolish ones.

I, as well as surely many readers, have witnessed such errors in a shiva home, no matter how good the intentions behind them were.

As we get closer to Pesach, one example comes to mind from a dark and cold Pesach several years ago. As I have mentioned before in these pages, my wife’s younger brother, Nesanel a’h, was killed erev Pesach on his way to learn bein hazmanim.

The levaya was arranged, and the entire shiva was brief-a few hours-and its seemed the entire city of Toronto streamed to my in laws that erev Shabbos/Pesach, and through some ness all managed to fit inside.

Before the levaya I worked with one of my brother-in-laws on his hesped for his beloved brother.

I shared with him a Ramban and his comments on a midrash that were apropos.

Briefly, After the demise of Nadav and Avihu, their father, Aaron, had a reaction that has perplexed meforshim for centuries: ‘…vayidom aahron’ ‘…and Aaron was silent…’.

Rashi (s.v. vayidom) points out that there was something unique, nay, exemplarily, about this silence of Aaron that merited reward. However, what was unique about his silence however, seems mysterious.

Ramban, in a brief comment on this verse, gives two possible interpretations, both of which change entirely how this episode may have transpired. “For {Aaron} cried out loudly after which he was silent, or, {Vayidom} has the same meaning as in Eichah 2:18, to be still.”

Aaron’s silence was not representative of his have nothing to say; on the contrary, it represented his holding back. Indeed, in a fascinating, if not spectacular midrash chazal teach us what Aaron’s grief could have brought him to say as well as the “questions” he could have, or may have, been tempted to ask the HaKadosh Baruch Hu (see Shallal Rav pg. 104 where this midrash is discussed at length).

Instead, in a remarkable expression of faith, Aaron became still, passive, inanimate –Domeim.

Keep the above in mind, as it plays vital in the next part of the story.

Soon came the seder Pesach night-with one of the arbaah banim literally missing from the yom tov table. It was a painful mah nishtana, not to mention that we already knew the differencebetween this night-this seder-and all others.

My father-in-law the next morning awoke for vasikin –as he had done for decades and was not about to change now.

Someone walked over to him after davening and gave him a hug, and then said, “Your son, in his hesped, I think what he said was apikorsis. How could we say that Arron had questions?”

Can you imagine this?! Leaving aside that this is a midrash, and even if we would like to assume that his reaction was the correct one, who goes over to a father who just buried his son hours ago to inform him that one of his well-meaning bnei torah surviving sons preached apikorsis?!

We quoted last week from chazal who teach us that we must wait for the mourner to speak before we do. The Levush explains that this is because until they speak we do not know where emotionally they may be holding, and are therefore oblivious to what type of custom-made nichum aveilim that is needed just for them.

However, some things we will just have to assume on our own.

Like the words of Rav Moshe Chaim Lutzatto in his hakdama to the Mesillas Yesharim, we come here not to pave new ground but to remind everyone of the obvious.

First of all, you are there to offer nechama, most crucially by talking about the nifter. Of course, if the aveil does not speak at all one can start to stay some simple words of nechama, like “I am so sorry for your loss”.

I myself always ask, “Are you up to sharing with me about the life of your father/mother?”

However, a shiva call is not the time to assume a rebbe’ish stance-offering reasons why this or that happened, why suffering is a zechus, or how this too will be seen for the best. Indeed, the baalei mussar stress that gam zu l’tova is to be used internally (for one self) and not externally (to tell others).

By all means, you may, and should, offer any help that they may need.

Do not ask about missing family members or siblings who may be sitting shiva elsewhere. While usually a harmless question, there are times, sadly, that a family is or has become split.

You do not need to know about the illness that preceded a death. You are not there to satisfy your own curiosity.

Your presence alone is a nechama, if you are able to talk about the niftar and help focus the conversations toward that is a bonus.

Let the aveil know you are there for anything they need.

And remember the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln, “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt”