My eldest daughter was named for my mother a’h. This was an easy choice, as she was born on the third day of shiva. That daughter is now back from seminary and entering shiduchim; it’s hard to believe how fast time has flown.
My mother was the consummate rebbitzen -having fed thousands and thousands, as well taught many (including innumerable kallos)-and was taken young.
As this is the week of her yartzeit, it is a good opportunity to discuss some interesting yartzeit issues, relating to rabbanus, hashkafos and interesting shailos.
This week we will focus on some of the fascinating minhagim we tend to associate with yartzeit.
- Birthday or Day of Death?
A member once asked me, “If we wish to celebrate and remember a life lived and deeds accomplished, would it not be more apropos to accomplish that task by using their date of arrival into this fleeting world, as opposed to their departure from it?”
This question was posed by, among others, Rav Chaim Friedlander (Sifsei Chaim, moadim, vol. 2, p. 44).
He explains that when a person is first born he is an empty vessel. His bechira may bring him to choose good, or, R’l, bad. It is only now, when they are niftar, when we know for certain who they became. More, we are commemorating the day that the niftar himself discovered who he was -when they received a full account and schar for a life well-lived.
In other words, one’s yartzeit is not so much their ‘day of death’, but rather their true birthday, when they first entered the kingdom of their olam hanitzchi (their eternal world).
Rav Moshe Heineman of Baltimore added to this idea by suggesting a novel insight. The word for mourner in lashon hakodosh is avel.
Perhaps that root was chosen so as to be shared with the word aval which means the ‘kushta d’milsa -essence of truth’, as in ‘…aval anachnu v’avosienu chatunu’. An avel too only now can testify as to the essence of who this person was and how they ended-up living their life (quoted in the astounding Kol Bo L’Yartzeit, vol. 1, p. 71 note 97, by Rav Aaron Levine zt’l).
- Tikkun?
As I have gotten older, I try not to eat anything heavy in the morning. But as a rav this presents a problem when after davening someone announces “I am making a tikkun in the beis midrash, on the back table, for my father…” There one finds cakes and cookies, as well as kol minei mashkeh. Well, it wouldn’t be right of I didn’t eat anything….
What is the source for this practice? What is its purpose?
What makes this minhag even more peculiar is that, if anything, there is a concept of fasting on a yartzeit (Shulchan Aruch, Rema, yoreh deah 376:5 in the name of the Rivash), and although today many, if not most, are lenient, why would we publicly do the opposite?
Indeed, Rav Yaakov Kamanetzky once commentated that in Europe he saw many who put out a tikkun on a yartzeit, yet only in America did he first see the baal yartzeit himself also be from those who ate from it (ibid. p. 287, note 197).
- The main source behind this custom comes from a sefer titled Chesed L’Avraham/Shaar HaEmunah. In its introduction to its commentary to the Mishnah it states: “…we can no longer (easily) fast on a yartzeit…we therefore fulfill the mitzvos of tzedakah and hachnasas orchim instead…by gathering a group of friends to have a joyous and unified food and drink, as a seudah among friends is also hachanasas orchim….achdus is what Hashem wishes for…such a meal has the status of a korban…because some may not be able to afford a lavish feast, nevertheless they simply put out some mezonos and whiskey…this is a great tzedakah -to give a friend some whiskey to drink [especially on an empty stomach -see Nachalas Shiva], as this works to strengthen their heart…”
It is magnificent that we all make a simple a tikkun for the benefit of the poor; if only we would do the same for weddings.
- Rav Yaakov Yitzchak Weiss (d. 1989; shu’t Minchas Yitzchak 6:135) offers further rational for this minhag. He reminds us that a yartzeit is an ominous day, specifically for one’s mazal. Therefore, having friends wish him a l’chaim on this day is no small matter. He goes on to point out that the gematria for l’chaim is minhag! In that, by simply keeping a minhag -like the tikkun- one can nullify a negative din.
- There are many others who seek to explain the reasoning behind the tikkun. In the sefer Hadras Kodesh (78) he suggests that since the atonement for stealing when one doesn’t know from whom he stole is to do tzarchei rabbim, so as to protect the niftar from any unkown theft for which he now has no way of returning the children peform this pubic service.
In fact, the previous Klausenberger rebbe posited that the tikkun helps the neshama more so than davening for the amud (first edition Piskei Teshuvos to Shabbos, p. 68)!
- Flames and Candles
Several years ago a member of my shul called in a state of panic. Through tears they explained that they misunderstood when the first yartzeit would be for her father. Now, four days later she realized her error. He chief concern was that she did not light a yartzeit licht.
Perhaps the most famous minhag for a yartzeit is to light a candle, as indeed these types of candles bare the name ‘yartzeit candles’.
Many may be surprised to learn that this minhag is not mentioned in the classic poskim, first mentioned by Rav Shlomo Luria (d. 1573; shu’t Mararshal # 46).
The closest remez we find in the Shulchan Aruch is by hilchos yom kippur where the Rema tells us that we are to light a ‘ner neshama’ for departed parents before Yom Kippur (siman 610:4).
However, although only a minhag, many seek sources from the times of chazal. For instance, the Mishnah makes reference to a flame for the departed (Berachos 8:1); the midrash teaches us that when Avraham stumbled upon maaros hamachpeilah he found Adam and Chava laying down ‘sleeping’ with neros upon their heads (Pirkei D’Rav Elazar, ch.36); some sefarim conjecture that the ner maarivi of the menorah in the beis hamikdosh that was always lit was for the departed neshamos of klal yisroel (see Darchei Chaim, and ibid. p. 303 note 219); most famously is the verse ‘ner hashem nishmas adam-the lamp of Hashem is the soul of man…’ (Misheli 20:27; see sefer Nachamu Ami p. 50 for more suggested sources for the yartzeit candle).
Nevertheless, the sifrei kaballah speak about the great importance and power of the yartzeit candle, even expressing the nachas ruach (peaceful state) it can bring to the departed (see Maaver Yavak, ch. 15).
So, what about this woman who forgot to light?
Unlike the requirement of Shabbos candles – for which there may be a fine should one forget – a forgotten yartzeit candle would not carry such a penalty (however, see shu’t Minchas Arhon 2:66, p. 221 who indeed does suggest such a fine -to light two candles every year going forward!).
If one remembers when it is still the yartzeit -even moments before sundown – then they should of course light right away.
But in a case when only remembers the next day, Rav Chaim Kinievsky told Rav Ahron Levine zt’l that one may light the next night (this is not an ayin hara). However, both Rav Scheinberg zt’l and Rav Elyahsiv zt’l told Rav Levine that there is no purpose to light after the yartzeit has passed. Rather, one should simply give to tzedakah the amount of value of a candle and oil.
Some sugesst that one should pay for candles/electric costs of the neros by the amud (shu’t Be’er Moshe 8:112).
In fact, the Chasam Sofer writes that giving to tzedakah is always the better option for the neshama than lighting a candle (shu’t Chasam Sofer, 6:27, s.v ya’an).
Although we do not follow the view of the Chasam Sofer, I told the woman that she will be able to follow his minhag just this year, and next year she can return to the Maharshal and others who say to light. We have only scratched the surface. Next week we will share more of the minhagim and halachos of yartzeit, as well as the potential fights in shul that could break out in shul due to a misunderstanding in them, and how a rav must deal with them.
Shul Chronicles 
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