Being With One’s Family vs Chesadim, Mitzvos, & Zechusim
October, 2022
PART 1
Dear Rabbi Taub,
Your columns often address both halachah and hashkafah. My husband and I have been discussing an issue that touches on both. I wonder if you can discuss this issue in your “Shul Chronicles” column. Perhaps there are sources you can cite, or at least make readers aware that they are not alone. Also, as a rav, maybe you have had to answer this question in the past.
My son’s rebbi asked that he come back to yeshivah for Simchas Torah. We do not live in the New York-New Jersey area, so we don’t see our son very often as it is. I don’t know what to do. On the one hand, I want my son to enjoy his friends and yeshivah on Yom Tov, but on the other hand, I want him to be home with his family. I understand that in Europe they used to go away for years at a time. But in this case, he will already be home for the first days of Yom Tov, and to leave doesn’t seem right to me.
I should point out that our area is filled with bnei Torah, and there is no negativity here on Simchas Torah. In fact, if anything, I am concerned about smoking and other things on Simchas Torah in the town where his yeshivah is.
When my son saw me hesitate, he called his rebbi, who offered to pay for his ticket. I was crestfallen! For one thing, this wasn’t a monetary issue. But in any case, if the rebbi was told I was not sure, why didn’t he call me directly—or better yet, teach his talmid a lesson in proper kibbud? But to go behind my back and offer to pay? This doesn’t seem right at all.
Am I out of line? What is the right approach on this issue? This is my oldest son, and I want a proper derech going forward with his brothers as well.
Sincerely,
A Desperate Mother
I have four daughters and a son, bli ayin hara. My son is in second grade, and I have not dealt with this issue on a personal level, but I have dealt with it in the case of husbands and wives.
In fact, several years ago, Rabbi Shais Taub and I had a wonderful exchange about a similar issue regarding a Litvish husband who wanted to go to his rosh yeshivah for Yom Tov, but his wife was against the idea.
This week I will use the case of a husband as a jumping-off point, and next week I will return to the case of a child.
It goes without saying that it is a well-established custom, especially among chasidim, for a husband to leave his family to be with his rebbi for Yom Tov. The Divrei Malkiel (d. 1910) writes of the importance of such a visit, stating that kevod talmidei chachamim is compared to the kavod we have for the Shechinah (2:75, beginning).
However, the Noda BiYehudah and other Litvish poskim differ.
I was delighted when I found my 2014 email to Rabbi Taub, and here is a synopsis of what I wrote:
The Gemara (Sotah 17a) teaches us in the name of Rabi Akiva that a home with shalom bayis is worthy of the Shechinah’s presence. This is a critical first step, for according to the Aruch Laneir, the reason we visit our rebbeim is in order to replace our visit to the Makom HaShechinah on Yom Tov now that we can no longer go to the Beis Hamikdash. Therefore, to cause the loss of the Shechinah by damaging shalom bayis for the purpose of giving kavod to a rebbi, which is only compared to the Shechinah, seems specious at best.
Of course, I am speaking about a case where the wife doesn’t want her husband to go, and the husband is not from a community where that is the custom, so she had no knowledge of such a concept when she got married.
One person challenged me based on a gemara in Shabbos 152a that states, “Rebbe said to his student, Rav Shimon bar Chalafta, ‘Why did you not visit me on Yom Tov?’” But the student answered, “Had I visited you, peace in the home would have been sullied.”
The Gemara (Sukkah 27b) quotes a braisa that discusses the issue of leaving one’s wife on Yom Tov: “Rabbi Ila’i went on Yom Tov to visit his rebbi, Rabbi Eliezer, in the city of Lod. [Upon seeing his student, Rabbi Eliezer] said to him, ‘Ila’i! Why are you not among those who rest properly on Yom Tov?’ This is because Rabbi Eliezer held that one should not leave his home on Yom Tov [even to visit teachers], for it is written, ‘[On the festivals] you rejoice with your household’ (Devarim 14:26).” Rashi explains that his teacher was reprimanding him for not staying home and celebrating Yom Tov with his wife.
However, the Gemara then seeks to find support for Rabbi Ila’i’s decision to leave his wife, closing the discussion by saying, “It is allowed when he returns that evening, and not allowed when he must also stay away from home overnight.” (Regarding whether women too have such a mitzvah,see Mishnah Brurah and Magen Avraham siman 301, as well as Maharatz Chayus on Rosh Hashanah 16, and Chanukas HaTorah, likutim,#200, which explains that women went during the year and men went on Yom Tov in order to avoid pritzus.)
The main source for the Litvish approach comes from shu”t Noda BiYehudah (#94), which states that the obligation to visit a teacher on Yom Tov (but not overnight) only applies when the Beis Hamikdash is standing. Proof of this is the fact that although the Shulchan Aruch omits this law, Rambam includes it (chap. 5, Hilchos Talmud Torah). In contrast to the Shulchan Aruch, Rambam cites all halachos, including those that will once again be applicable only when Moshiach comes.
To be clear, all agree that it is a mitzvah to visit one’s rebbi, regardless of the time of year, although not a chiyuv (see Rambam ibid., and Shulchan Aruch 554:12 with Magen Avraham). And some poskim say that visiting a rebbi on Yom Tov actually is a special chiyuv, even today (see Magen Avraham 301:7 and Rav Shternbuch).
What about visiting the kever of a rebbe? The Shevet Sofer (shu”t, Orach Chaim, 18) says that some people are allowed to leave their wives to go to Uman for Yom Tov. He offers a novel idea, suggesting that in our time, when we don’t have the Beis Hamikdash, the level of obligation in the mitzvah of simchas Yom Tov is weakened, and one can therefore leave his wife on Yom Tov if he must do so for a living, or even to visit the kever of a rebbe. (See Tosafos on Mo’ed Katan 14b, stating that today, without the shalmei chagigah,the mitzvahof simchas Yom Tov is only mid’Rabbanan. However, the Rambam seems to disagree; see Emek Davar in the name of Rav Chaim Soloveitchik.)
Of course, both approaches can find support in the Gemara quoted earlier. Rav Eliezer in the Gemarain Sukkah was likely Rav Eliezer ben Horkanus, who lived both during and after Bayis Sheini, thus enabling each side to argue a different position.
It would seem from all of this that chasidim who have the custom to leave their wives on Yom Tov, and whose wives knew about this when they married, may—and perhaps must—continue this practice.
However, a man married to someone who was unfamiliar with such a minhag when they married must ask a sh’eilah before leaving his family overnight on Yom Tov—unless, of course, he has specific and sincere reshus.
The case of a child returning to yeshivah for Simchas Torah will be discussed next week, be”H.
Part 2
Last week I shared a question from a mother who was torn about wanting her 16-year-old son to stay home for Simchas Torah rather than going back to yeshivah as she hadn’t seen him for some time. She also felt wounded when she expressed her concern, and in response, the rebbi told her son that he would pay for the ticket, assuming it was a financial matter; in her view, he went behind her back rather than addressing her directly.
I discussed some of the major sources for the halachos involved in visiting one’s rebbi during Yom Tov, especially when that person will be missed by his family.
A Few More Sources
Before moving on to the case at hand, I’d like to share a few additional sources.
The great Litvish posek Rav Yosef Shaul Nathanson (d. 1875, Shu”t Sho’el U’meishiv 3:464), says that since one is already at home with his family and fulfilling the mitzvahof “v’samachta b’chagecha,” he should not nullify this positive act with another.
Rav Shlomo Kluger (d. 1869, Shu”t Shenos Chaim 334) and others disagree, stating that the halachic requirement to visit one’s rebbi during Yom Tovis still applicable today (see Rav Elyashiv’s Sefer He’aros on Sukkah 10b). Some even posit that the main requirement is in our time (see the Chida, Simchas Haregel on Sukkah 27b).
Of course, everyone agrees that there is a general mitzvah to visit one’s rebbi regardless of the time of year, although perhaps it is not a chiyuv (see Shu”t Tzitz Eliezer 17:41).
I myself spent countless Simchas Torahs in yeshivah. Even when I attended high school locally, I used to drive to Cleveland with chaveirim for the Yomim Nora’im to daven in Telshe Yeshiva with Rav Gifter. And I would hope that when my son is of age, iy”H, he will want to be with his rebbeim on Simchas Torah.
The Empty Shul
When I was a rav in Buffalo, the shul used to bring in boys from YU’s beis midrash program to liven up the ruach on Simchas Torah. One year, one of the young men commented that some of his friends stayed home and went to his own shul in New Jersey to bring some enthusiasmto the dancing there. I noted the irony; if all the boys stayed home, many of those shuls would be supplied with the ruach they needed!
In fact, the mother who wrote to me bemoaned the fact that there were no bachurim in her shul on Simchas Torah.She said the dancing was very shvach, and worse, the younger kids missed out on the opportunity to see and learn from their older brothers’ enthusiasm and love for Torah (see hakdamah to Shu”t Chasam Sofer, Yoreh Dei’ah, and his comments there on Bereishis 18:17-19 regarding sacrificing one’s aliyah for the aliyah of others).
However, this issue is perhaps one left for the rav of the shul, possibly in concert with the pertinent roshei yeshivah.
Second Home
When I was 18 years old, I had a medical episode and thought my lung had collapsed. After a series of tests, I was waiting in the hospital at midnight for the results when Rav Meir Stern, my rosh yeshivah, came in. It was frightening enough to see him there, but what he said next changed my hashkafas hachaim. “I spoke to the doctors. They feel you should go home,” he told me.
My mind raced. Was my condition so serious that I had to go back to Canada? And would my insurance cover this?
“To Toronto?” I asked weakly.
He explained, “Moshe, the doctors feel it was a false alarm. But Toronto? I said home. That means your yeshivah!”
In order to thrive, a yeshivah bachur must view the beis midrash as his home, or at least his second home.
This mother’s desire to spend Yom Tov with her son is understandable, of course, since she sees him so seldom, but the answer depends on individual circumstances. As parents, we must balance our personal wants with the needs of our children, and as children, we must measure our own wishes against the need for kibbud av va’eim.
Parents are sometimes “victims” of their success. They spend large sums of money on chinuch, and they should rejoice when their children view yeshivah as being “home” for Yom Tov. But every case is unique, and the boy’s rosh yeshivah should be consulted.
A Parent-Rebbi Partnership
Allow me to highlight what I feel is the most crucial message in this mother’s letter.
Why is our mesorah to begin a child’s study of Gemara with the perek of “eilu metzios,” which discusses the halachos of hashavas aveidah, returning a lost item? Why not make the Gemaracome alive with subjects that are far more relatable, like maseches Brachos? The students would learn about davening, tefillah, brachos and many other relevant halachos.
Over the years I have heard many explanations for why we teach “eilu metzios” first. Rav Moshe Feinstein offers the “secret” behind this mesorah, and his answer not only changed the way I teach, it addresses the issue in this mother’s letter (see Reb Moshe, pp. 121-122).
We have been through many stages of galus. There were times when there were many children in yeshivah whose parents were not so serious about Yiddishkeit. If the boys learned about zmanei tefillah or brachos but their parents didn’t keep those halachos, not only would their learning go out the window, but they would reason that Chazal say things that are not to be taken seriously, chas v’shalom. Instead, we introduce them to Chazal using cases that, although relatable, would not necessarily come up at home.
Not only is this an example of trusting the logic of our mesorah,but it should serve to remind teachers of an important yesod. Short of a serious halachah or hashkafah issue,we should never force a child to choose between his rebbi and his parents. He should never have to struggle with divided loyalty.
This is especially true in our day. Rav Yaakov Kamenetzky refused to sit at the head of the table when he visited his children for Shabbos or Yom Tov. He explained that in our generation, a parent’s role is paramount, and a child must always see his father and mother as unimpeachable in their function. “I will not be in the home every day to guide your children,” he explained to his children. “We therefore mustn’t sully your status as leaders in their eyes.”
Perhaps an eleventh-grade rebbi will become a lifetime mentor of this mother’s bachur,or perhaps the bachur will soon become attached to another rebbi or rosh yeshivah,but his parents will remain a constant.
Today, baruch Hashem, most parents are products of a yeshivah education. Their sons will need their guidance throughout life, and aside from special situations, we must consider the importance of this need in comparison to a short-term gain.
And although I do not know the rebbi’s side of the story, I think we can all agree that if we hear from the bachur that his mother said no, the last thing he should do is collaborate with her son behind her back on a plan to circumvent her ratzon.
For her part, the mother must not share her disapproval of the rebbi’s course of actionwith her son. We must always nourish holy relationships and never try to stifle them.